CW: / TW: Child Molestation, Child Abuse, Sexual Predation, Emotional Abuse
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Several years after the first incident I was sent to stay with some extended family in another state. Though I stayed at more than one home during that trip, most of two weeks was spent in the company of my original abuser. I was in puberty, and he both complimented me on how I had grown and made me feel small and incomplete for not having filled out quite enough yet for his tastes. His double edged insults were almost constant, but “just teasing.” There was seemingly incidental physical contact that I didn’t like, yet trying to push him away only caused him to gleefully overpower me.
I was covered in mosquito bites after a day of fishing and was sent to take a bath in the master bathroom with some oatmeal and corn starch to help ease all the swelling. He took advantage of this to come in to “help” me. I said I could handle it and asked him to leave. He took a few long looks while chatting with me, yet kept his distance. He told me I was to go into the master bedroom when I was done with the bath. When i dried off I wrapped up in towels and went to said bedroom thinking perhaps I was supposed to sleep there or that my pajamas would be there. Instead it was him, wearing only underwear, with a variety of pornography spread out on the bed. He said we could watch TV. Then he wanted me to pose like some of those pictures and do other things. He berated me for resisting, tried coercing and cajoling me, took away my towels and physically kept me from leaving the room for a while. He showed me a greater variety of naked people doing various things to try and capture my interest, yet it was all fairly repulsive to me at that point. He reminded me off what had happened when I was younger and said he knew a lot more fun things we could do now, yet I begged off for being itchy and it getting late. Eventually he let me go back to the room I had been sleeping in with an older girl. I felt lucky nothing worse had happened, and hoped that was the end of it.
He somehow convinced everyone that sleeping arrangements should change and he and I should share a bed. I think it was allegedly so he could listen to the stereo with me to fall asleep or something? There is a song I cannot hear to this day without feeling a bit nauseous and uneasy. I’d had a bit of a sore throat and he offered to put some vapor rub on my chest. He didn’t stop there. He was done listening to any protests. He proceeded to appraise and insult my growing body more specifically. He touched me inappropriately in a variety of ways, telling me what I was supposed to like and getting upset when I tried to say I didn’t and kept asking him to stop. I think I made enough noise that someone else came to see if I was alright yet I was scared and half naked under a blanket so I pretended to be asleep until they left. He was mad at me after that, and cruel. He physically compared me to his older, more mature girlfriend and I felt flawed, unworthy, and like there was nothing good about me. He said many things to keep me from telling anyone. I felt ashamed, ugly, pathetic, and unwanted. Despite some positive relationships since, many days I still do.
As an introduction to my own burgeoning sexuality it was horrific. I had no interest in attracting anyone ever again who might treat me like that. Though I had never cared much about my physical appearance I now did in a very bad way. I did not want to be pretty. I did not want to look nice. I did not want to attract any attention at all. I simply wanted to live in peace and be accepted for who I am and not for what my body could do for anyone else. I withdrew from a lot of things, got very involved in church activities thinking those would be safe, and went from being somewhat scrawny to being overweight. Fat seemed like a perfect permanent armor based on the misconceptions I was under; yet it did little to prevent actual perverts. It was years before I could speak in any way about the abuses, and many more before I could do so in a healthy way. This is the first time that I have written about them with any degree of detail.
He and another relative both ended up on the sex offender registry years later, with repeat offenses, and remained on the list at least for a while. I do not know how many victims there were. I am sure I was far from the only one. I am thankful for the ones who spoke out and were able to help protect others.
Other predators have approached me. Some have fooled me, and taken their advantage at times. Yet I am done living in fear and compromising my life and health because of their lies. I don’t know if I am wiser or simply older, yet I am most certainly more aware. More of them need unpleasant and lasting consequences for their crimes. I will continue to share my experiences and awareness with those who are vulnerable and/or hurting. There are more of us than there are of them. We are stronger together, and we will find our voices again.
workingthroughsomestuff 