No Home for the Holidays

TL;DR: Some of us will be alone for Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Christmas, New Year’s, etc. Those days will be tough. Let’s help each other get through them.

Modified from a religious holiday specific post seen elsewhere:

Some thoughts for this holiday season:

It’s important to realize that not everyone is looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Yet we are inundated with the commercialism and the assertions that this is the most wonderful time of the year anyway. Some people are not surrounded by beautiful large families. Some of us have problems during this period and we experience great sadness when we think of the loved ones who are not with us right now. For many, it is their first holiday season without a certain loved one. Many have lost loved ones during the holiday months or won’t realize until the dog is not trying to trip them up for turkey that the dog never will again. A lot of us have no one to spend this time with and are overcome by loneliness. We all need caring, loving thoughts now.

There are numerous reasons why someone may be alone during the holidays, especially those who tend to be introverted. There might be family problems, health struggles, recent relocations or separations, problems with work, no money to visit home, and other concerns. Yet please be aware that we are out here, singularly and in small isolated groups. We do not want to impose or to lessen another person’s enjoyment of the holidays. Yet we still desperately want to feel like we have a place at the table (literally in some cases). Feel free to share a version of this to help raise awareness, it may help to combat depression or suicide risk for a friend or yours who simply does not talk about it.

It helps to know if someone cares about us. Some years are better than others. Share the love if you can. If you know holidays are hard for someone or they may be alone, (if you have the ability to) invite them over. It’s been done for me, and made a world of difference. Take care of them as much you would want for yourself if you were displaced and isolated one year. If they refuse, just make sure they know if the offer remains on the table.

I don’t know who reading this is likely to struggle this year. If you are estranged from your family or have other reasons to hurt through the holidays, know that you are not alone. There are people who care.  I would rather drive hours to pick up a friend than worry that they are sad and alone on a holiday they normally would enjoy (to be fair, that also applies most other days). I appreciate their company and a chance to know them better, even if I only met them that one time in passing at some event. I am not the only person like this. Sometimes we simply don’t know if help is needed/wanted, or how best to help. Don’t feel like you have to suffer alone in silence. You are important.

Take care of each other this holiday season, we are all human.

Individuality vs Ideology

Trans people didn’t start existing in the past several years. They have always been part of our shared humanity. We have finally begun building a culture where they feel comfortable being open about who they are, and safer living their truth. Let’s keep protecting them and their rights to share the freedoms of our great country.

 

Hateful bigots didn’t start existing in the past few years. They have always been part of our shared humanity. Our society has finally begun building a culture where they feel comfortable being open about who they are, and safer living their truth. Let’s change that. Their freedoms should never again threaten the safe existence of anyone else.

 

Those groups should not be considered in the same ways.

 

Bigotry has an agenda of harming, disenfranchising, and even killing people who do not conform. The hateful actions are a choice. We have a moral obligation to not tolerate it.

 

Trans people, similar to others who identify as LGBTQIA and other marginalized groups, have an agenda of wanting to live their own lives with basic respect. Who they are is not a choice any more than who you are. We have a moral obligation to tolerate each other.

 

Who we are is not a choice. What we do is.

Counteract the Hate

Whether any aspect of LGBTQIA, race, culture, or other circumstances apply we are all interconnected humans and ALL deserve safety and respect.

Be on the correct side of history.

Protecting Each Other

Gender as we know it is by and large a social construct.

Humans have a lot of variance when it comes to primary and secondary sexual characteristics. Those characteristics and the physical attributes involved in reproduction are only one small and sensitive, sometimes weak, aspect of a human body. Yet for some reason those attributes are used to define roles in many societies by forcing conformity to standards of gender -and usually with binary definitions of gender. There is little scientific evidence for gender being binary, much less associated with sexual characteristics.  Yet throughout human history binary roles have been enforced, equality often challenged, and those who have not conformed adequately have been disadvantaged, mocked, mutilated, unacknowledged, and even killed -simply because they were too different in physicality or expression. Science indicates that even when less common, variances are natural and normal. Religions and societal conventions often say otherwise. When laws begin to restrict care and protections for people based on traditions or conventions, it diminishes humanity.

Most humans exhibit personality traits of both traditional male and female qualities at various times. Some identify strongly as the gender they were assigned at birth and have never questioned that assignment or felt uncomfortable with it, and that is great for them. Others do not have that experience, whether it fluctuates or they constantly feel that they do not fit the body and designation they were assigned, and it often leads to frustration and misery in extremes.

Sexual characteristics have little bearing on most jobs, yet statistics show a lack of gender diversity and unequal pay in most careers. Legal protections against gender discrimination exist in many places, yet primarily for those who conform to a binary definition of gender as assigned at birth. Individuals who identify differently for physical or other reasons do not always have the same protections. Those who express themselves in non-binary ways or as a gender they were not originally assigned are less likely to be hired in many fields, and even when hired are often mistreated and/or threatened.

There is no good reason to treat anyone with disrespect due to their sex, gender identity, or gender expression. There are some pretty horrible reasons why it happens. People who are non-binary, genderfluid, genderless, and transgender all exist quite scientifically and naturally and no legal definition will change that they have the right to do so in safety. Basic human rights should apply to all.

Those who live in the United States are facing choices in their elections where protections for those who do not conform to a gender assigned at birth are at risk. Some states may have specific questions about them. Some politicians are very open about their views on these matters. The odds of someone being transgender are about the same as them being a natural redhead so it is very likely that you have met and currently know someone who might not match the identity assigned to them at birth and you really don’t know about it because they feel safer not disclosing that information. Please keep them safe with your vote. Support protections for everyone regardless of gender, and make it clear to the politicians who represent you that nobody should have fewer rights by nature of who they were perceived to be and how they identify and express themselves.

The fearmongering and hatred being spread right now is intimidating. Every voice counts. Let’s make ours heard, loudly, and help everyone feel safer.

Disappointing People

“They were disappointed and said I was disappointing.”

I was somewhat shocked to hear those words. I had been speaking with a friend about one of their exes and it was not entirely clear the context in which such sentiments had been shared. I stammered something in response. Hopefully it was appropriately sympathetic with hints of the outrage I felt on their behalf. There are some things which are simply wrong to do in a relationship, and while I could not delve into my thoughts then I believe this sort of behavior is worth examining, particularly in the context of intimacy.

Romance can be difficult to foster. People don’t come with individualized manuals. Communication is the only way to really know what another person will perceive as kind, loving, or otherwise romantic gestures. Roses aren’t going to do much for someone with allergies or who sees buying cut flowers as a waste of resources. Drawing a bubble bath might have appeal, or be boring, or even offend some others. Talking about likes, dislikes, and even fantasies can go a long way to making some incredible memories for each other and it requires the everyone involved participate. Expecting someone to guess does you a disservice and sets them up to fail. Eventually trial and error leads to excess frustration and a lack of desire to try anymore.

Sexual satisfaction shares some similarities. While many people might enjoy certain sensual things, every body is different and making assumptions can lead to embarrassment, frustration, and worse. It can be difficult to talk about one’s turn-ons, turn-offs, etc, yet even small words or noises of encouragement here and there can be extremely helpful to a partner. Some people are more naturally expressive than others, yet everyone can and should take some responsibility for their own enjoyment of sexual encounters.

So with those things said, I am appalled at the concept of anyone blaming a partner for a disappointing intimate experience. I have been in situations that did not turn out quite as expected for a variety of reasons yet no singular partner was faulted for them. Even if everyone involved found an outcome disappointing it has generally been a matter of simply trying something different or looking forward to another opportunity at a different time. I have also been in situations where someone didn’t get what they wanted the way they wanted it and blamed me, and the person who did so was abusive in other ways as well -it was not really about me. Managing expectations can be important. Courtesy towards anyone willing to engage with you on an intimate level seems like it should be a given; even more when it is a committed partner.

The bigger disappointment rests on any person who sinks so low as to judgmentally blame a partner for their sexual performance. Sure, there can be a bit of a learning curve with any partner. Most humans learn pretty well with positive affirmations and sometimes a bit of guidance. I’ve been with differently abled partners and others where satisfying experiences were achieved by a matter of careful exploration, vocal feedback, and a willingness to think outside the box so to speak. Sex is supposed to be fun and mutually enjoyable. Stuff happens and sometimes it isn’t as anticipated, sure, yet that does not make it right to make it a personal failure and assign blame much less insult someone. It’s sickening to think anyone would risk emotionally damaging someone they claim to love during an intimate encounter. Humiliation that is negotiated beforehand and serving a desired purpose is one thing, a lack of compassion is another.

If someone cares enough to be with you intimately and respectfully, be kind no matter what.

Horrors That Are Not Discussed, Sequel

CW: / TW: Child Molestation, Child Abuse, Sexual Predation, Emotional Abuse

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Several years after the first incident I was sent to stay with some extended family in another state. Though I stayed at more than one home during that trip, most of two weeks was spent in the company of my original abuser. I was in puberty, and he both complimented me on how I had grown and made me feel small and incomplete for not having filled out quite enough yet for his tastes. His double edged insults were almost constant, but “just teasing.” There was seemingly incidental physical contact that I didn’t like, yet trying to push him away only caused him to gleefully overpower me.

I was covered in mosquito bites after a day of fishing and was sent to take a bath in the master bathroom with some oatmeal and corn starch to help ease all the swelling. He took advantage of this to come in to “help” me. I said I could handle it and asked him to leave. He took a few long looks while chatting with me, yet kept his distance. He told me I was to go into the master bedroom when I was done with the bath. When i dried off I wrapped up in towels and went to said bedroom thinking perhaps I was supposed to sleep there or that my pajamas would be there. Instead it was him, wearing only underwear, with a variety of pornography spread out on the bed. He said we could watch TV. Then he wanted me to pose like some of those pictures and do other things. He berated me for resisting, tried coercing and cajoling me, took away my towels and physically kept me from leaving the room for a while. He showed me a greater variety of naked people doing various things to try and capture my interest, yet it was all fairly repulsive to me at that point. He reminded me off what had happened when I was younger and said he knew a lot more fun things we could do now, yet I begged off for being itchy and it getting late. Eventually he let me go back to the room I had been sleeping in with an older girl. I felt lucky nothing worse had happened, and hoped that was the end of it.

He somehow convinced everyone that sleeping arrangements should change and he and I should share a bed. I think it was allegedly so he could listen to the stereo with me to fall asleep or something? There is a song I cannot hear to this day without feeling a bit nauseous and uneasy. I’d had a bit of a sore throat and he offered to put some vapor rub on my chest. He didn’t stop there. He was done listening to any protests. He proceeded to appraise and insult my growing body more specifically. He touched me inappropriately in a variety of ways, telling me what I was supposed to like and getting upset when I tried to say I didn’t and kept asking him to stop. I think I made enough noise that someone else came to see if I was alright yet I was scared and half naked under a blanket so I pretended to be asleep until they left. He was mad at me after that, and cruel. He physically compared me to his older, more mature girlfriend and I felt flawed, unworthy, and like there was nothing good about me. He said many things to keep me from telling anyone. I felt ashamed, ugly, pathetic, and unwanted. Despite some positive relationships since, many days I still do.

As an introduction to my own burgeoning sexuality it was horrific. I had no interest in attracting anyone ever again who might treat me like that. Though I had never cared much about my physical appearance I now did in a very bad way. I did not want to be pretty. I did not want to look nice. I did not want to attract any attention at all. I simply wanted to live in peace and be accepted for who I am and not for what my body could do for anyone else. I withdrew from a lot of things, got very involved in church activities thinking those would be safe, and went from being somewhat scrawny to being overweight. Fat seemed like a perfect permanent armor based on the misconceptions I was under; yet it did little to prevent actual perverts. It was years before I could speak in any way about the abuses, and many more before I could do so in a healthy way. This is the first time that I have written about them with any degree of detail.

He and another relative both ended up on the sex offender registry years later, with repeat offenses, and remained on the list at least for a while. I do not know how many victims there were. I am sure I was far from the only one. I am thankful for the ones who spoke out and were able to help protect others.

Other predators have approached me. Some have fooled me, and taken their advantage at times. Yet I am done living in fear and compromising my life and health because of their lies. I don’t know if I am wiser or simply older, yet I am most certainly more aware. More of them need unpleasant and lasting consequences for their crimes. I will continue to share my experiences and awareness with those who are vulnerable and/or hurting. There are more of us than there are of them. We are stronger together, and we will find our voices again.

Horrors That Are Not Discussed

CW:  TW:  Child Molestation/Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Predation

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The first time I was 5. It was in the blur of days following the death of my mother. Some events remain clear as crystal. The adults I knew best were busy. Of course he could help with my bath. There was no safe place for me to avoid him in the days that followed. The basement provided no haven, nor my room, nor my closet. He took it as a game when I hid. When I didn’t want to play his way he’d play some with my toys and turn things around to be about my body again. He played my way, it was only fair I play his. Didn’t I want to be better at it? I couldn’t tell anyone, they wouldn’t understand the game and I would get in trouble for bothering them. I was supposed to trust him. He was family, after all.

#metoo, #whyididntreport

 

Aging Effects of Stress

You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their face. You can see worry lines, laugh lines tightness, if and how they smile, and more.

We’ve all seen before and after pictures for Presidents going into and out of office and noticed that most of them seem to age far more than 4 or 8 years with the job. I call it aging Presidentially. I feel like I’ve aged years in the past few weeks, and might have a few new lines on my own face.

When I was 20 I applied for and got a job at a food court establishment at a mall. The manager checked my underage driver’s license to fill out paperwork and all was well.  My birthday was shortly thereafter and he asked how old I was. I was surprised he hadn’t noted my age and asked how old he thought I was. He looked at me, considered, and said “39.” Now it’s true he knew I was married and had worked with my husband for years, yet that seemed a bit off. I said nah, guess again. He got a bit pale, swallowed, and said “older or younger?”

It’s the trauma, folks. You can see it on the faces of many survivors.

How a Missing Stair May Be Operating in Your LARP Community

Triggering Content Warning: Sexual Harassment, Emotional Abuse, and Sexual Abuse

There has been a lot of attention lately given to #metoo and #whyididntreport stories from victims of harassment and assault. There are repeat offenders in a lot of communities. They are often such integral parts of them that they are allowed to remain despite inappropriate behaviors. Long-time members of those communities learn to work around them, and one term used to describe them is missing stair. I have had multiple conversations lately with people who have trouble understanding how such a person could operate in a live action role playing community. Please read the excellent article by Maury Brown at nordiclarp.org titled 19 Truths about Harassment, Missing Stairs, and Safety in Larp Communities for more information about this issue and how to address it.

Some people who understand that this is a problem have great difficulty picturing how it might play out in their games. I’ve written something describing it fairly abstractly, and removing graphic or intimate details. It might still be triggering for sexual harassment and assault victims.  For access to more real-life examples of how this sort of abuse happens right under your noses, you may want to visit Cheyenne Rain’s Patreon post called The Abuse Burrito. Here’s a quote from that:

“Understand that abusive people are often only abusive in one facet of their life- they can be upstanding members of the community in most other respects. The best burrito in the world just needs one bad ingredient to cause anaphylactic shock. Sometimes you won’t even know unless you’re a few bites in.”

So with the understanding that it happens, and that it isn’t always easy to spot, here is a narrative describing things to watch for, followed by a few action items.

Triggering Content Warning: Sexual Harassment , Emotional Abuse, and Sexual Abuse

What follows is a basic description of how a missing stair situation might play out in the live action role playing community. It merges recurring themes from a number of victim stories from multiple countries and is not a personal retelling. Nor is it intended to represent any single individual. The victim is not gendered because they could be any or no gender. The missing stair has been gendered male because they are far more likely to primarily identify as male. If the missing stair depicted sounds like someone you know, you should look more closely at why.

Let’s say you are brand new to larping. You are nervous. You’ve never done anything quite like this. It’s exciting. You don’t know many if any other people who larp. You are a bit socially awkward, but this looks really cool and you really love the genre so off you go to your first event.

The beginning is subtle. An experienced Dashing Hero joins your rather new adventuring party on a quest and helps save the day through awesome roleplaying and/or combat skills. The Dashing Hero is dressed impeccably, has impressive personal props, and clearly adds a lot to the game. He compliments your character and you and your less experienced friends are thrilled to be able to count on him whenever you need help against the forces of darkness. He welcomes you out of character after the event, and connects with you on social media as well. There is nothing wrong about any of that. It is absolutely a wonderful thing when experienced larpers do those things. Not every Dashing Hero has entirely pure motives. They are often very kind to new players while evaluating them.

The Dashing Hero is very good at helping the community out of game as well. He does a lot behind the scenes and makes himself indispensable to plots, takes on extra responsibilities, and might even staff or run some events. He ingratiates himself to the community on purpose so that it is extremely difficult to picture the game without him being there. Losing his participation would feel devastating to a lot of people.

It might happen right away, take a few events, or even years, yet one day you get to do some high-quality roleplaying one on one with the Dashing Hero and it’s incredibly fun. You feel special because he really enjoyed it as well. WooHoo! There might be a little physical contact like an arm around your shoulder, hugs, or something else super friendly because that’s okay we’re friends, right? That last bit was unexpected and felt a bit awkward, yet you don’t want to offend Mr. Dashing Hero so of course it is okay, why wouldn’t it be?

This guy pushes at physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries. He moves the goal posts as his targeted prey becomes desensitized and normalizes his overly-friendly behaviors.

You get invited to things out of game as part of a group or otherwise. You are asked to be part of another game he’s involved in, a convention, or something else that sounds fun. More physical stuff happens, and sometimes it seems romantic or sexually charged.  It becomes the norm for him to get very close and physically affectionate; he says that’s how his is with all his friends. You observe that with others. If it bothers someone he stops. You find it unsettling personally, yet are glad he is comfortable with you because you want to be a part of his friend group. It seems amazing that this guy has taken an interest and is mentoring you and looks forward to spending more time with you. The Dashing Hero says you have great potential. He points out some things you could improve, and he is willing to help you with them. You like that he pushes you to do more, try new things, and push past your boundaries in character and in real life. You feel like you are growing as a person. Getting involved with the larp community was one of the best decisions of your life and you love feeling like part of the in crowd, his crowd.

He uses double-edged compliments to make you feel like you are less competent and flawed, yet that he will be your guide to becoming better. He uses the acceptance of others as subtle peer-pressure that he can be trusted.

You chat with another player online between events and hear that someone had a problem with the Dashing Hero and complained to staff. It doesn’t really sound like him given your experiences and you figure it was a misunderstanding. You defend him to the other person. If it had been anything serious he’d have been asked to leave, right? Nobody has the details since it was a sensitive matter and the other person left the game. Since you are friends, you ask him. He explains how things got a little intense in character and the other player had some issues he didn’t know about so his actions were inadvertently triggering. Of course he would never do anything to cause someone that kind of distress. He hopes they are going to be okay. He tells you honestly in confidence that things like that have happened to him before, that a lot of people just don’t get him or appreciate how passionately he gets into his characters. Sometimes he feels unwelcome at games (it is very possible he has been banned from one or more, yet he downplays it). You like that he feels comfortable confiding in you. You give him a hug and tell him how much you enjoy seeing him at games and that you believe he’s a good person.

All of the above can be part of a grooming process where a Despicable Human prepares others to be his defenders, prey, or character witnesses. Lots of people never see any truly concerning behaviors, and they are quick to defend the Dashing Hero who invests so much and always goes the extra mile for the community. They want to play games that he helps to run or go to new games in a group with shared backgrounds with him. They continue spending time with him in game and otherwise because he’s a great guy. That’s all they have ever seen.

Sometimes the Despicable Human is uncomfortably flirty in-game and otherwise. That’s just who he is. He always sincerely apologizes if a boundary gets crossed and someone calls him on it. He didn’t know or didn’t mean to, of course. It’s just who he is. He has been talked to, he knows, it is deliberate because he gets a high from making you uncomfortable. It was all in-character and maybe he got carried away. He might check-in to clarify if you’re okay with something and consider it consent to press further. Again, the goal posts move. He thought you were signaling that you wanted to be touched that way, firmly held, kissed, backed into a corner, etc for the thrill of the experience in a safe environment (no, it really isn’t safe). Things like that happen at games a lot; didn’t you know? Some part of you may have wanted it, yet you’d had no intent to pursue it. Or did you? You aren’t certain; maybe you did send mixed signals. You feel a bit shaken. He apologizes for the misunderstanding and says he will try to check in with you better next time.

The Despicable Human has likely physically and/or sexually assaulted their prey and even if he refrained from well defined criminal acts was tantalizingly aware of his prey’s discomfort. He used his longer game experience to help him gaslight his victim into doubting their role in what happened. There were no witnesses. There will be no report. He is so well-liked he is certain the important people would believe him anyway.

You later inquire about the relationship he is in, and he makes it clear that his partner is okay with things happening in-character and/or with friends yet they don’t want to know details. They are both very open and progressive you see. He acts like it’s a maturity thing and oh, he understands if you’re weirded out by it because it is different. You are so mature (he might be older or younger), but if you’re not prepared for more adult situations that’s okay. You wonder if you do want something else from him, because he still seems pretty awesome and is not pressuring you at all. You don’t want to say anything disparaging about him or report what felt like inappropriate behavior because he is so much more important to the game and you feel a bit responsible for what happened. He’s had enough misunderstandings go badly and you don’t want to make things worse. It’s confusing and you pull back from him, at least for a while.

Again we see how being firmly integrated into the community helps protect the Despicable Human. His victim does not want to stop playing the game, and does not want to be isolated from the in crowd, so says nothing to anyone else.

For some prey that’s the end of it. You don’t want to talk about it. Things are awkward, yet you move on and do what you can to avoid him.

Others still want to roleplay with his dashing persona, and keep up an in game friendship and continue with various mutual plotliness. Flirting is still fun, and he seems to understand to keep it in game and lower key. You don’t talk as much otherwise. He makes romantic gestures to your character and verifies that you are okay with them, keeping it very courtly. He is super charming and entirely respectful even when it is only the two of you. You get more comfortable with that. You’ve even missed that and are glad he is not upset about your earlier reactions. The Despicable Human expresses how natural it would be for your characters to be more intimately involved and you agree that it would make sense based on how your stories have intertwined. He talks about how amazing it can be to have sex in character. He asks you what seem to be theoretical questions about how your character would feel about intimacy with his. It’s getting late and you’re tired and take it all as an interesting thought exercise for helping his character treat yours as a partner in game.  He acts on that as though it were consent for things to proceed physically. Maybe the Despicable Human misunderstood, again, or maybe he heard what he wanted to hear to pretend he misunderstood. You feel a wide range of emotions, including disgust, and are very unsettled. You did not want him to do those things. You are not sure what can be done about it. You are in shock, and as much as it replays in your mind you still feel like it was in part your fault.

The Despicable Human has at the least sexually harassed and assaulted his victim. There were no witnesses. There might or might not be a report.

You may or may not consent, in character or otherwise, to greater degrees of intimacy with the Despicable Human who has set you and numerous others up to be satisfying conquests. It could become fully consensual, even an official relationship that lasts years. When it ends you feel like you can’t really talk about anything that hurt you. You enjoyed a lot of it and didn’t say no. You felt stuck when it began to feel wrong again. You may still defend him if he convinced you that the reasons it didn’t work were your fault. If you keep it from going any further you might say nothing because you still contributed to the process. You may feel ashamed. You do not think anyone would believe you.

Despicable Humans do pursue official relationships. Sometimes they have open marriages, sometimes they claim to but it is a lie. Marriage lends them credibility, especially if their spouse is also a well-loved member of the game community. It is not unusual for them to have a history of failed relationships. Again, many things are referred to as unfortunate misunderstandings.

You talk about it discreetly with friends a few years later. You don’t mention names at first. You realize the Despicable Human has negatively affected a lot of people. It feels too late to act on it. You think it is possible he has changed (he hasn’t). Why ruin things now when he is even more integral to the community? Though it’s awkward to share plots with him and you feel better when he misses an event, you no longer feel at risk. He has moved on, so have you. You worry a bit about the teenagers who look like adults or barely are, and might tell them to be careful. It might be too late because the trust-building process has already started even if he won’t touch them inappropriately for another year or so.

This is where the term missing stair fully comes into play. Victims and their friends do what they can to enjoy the game while working around the Despicable Human problem. They warn others and try to avoid too much interaction with him. Those who run games may have had reports about him, yet found them inconclusive enough that a few conversations with him from time to time seems sufficient action.

It doesn’t have to be that way. There are games with policies in place to deal with predatory behaviors, harassment, and abuse. The Dashing Hero/Despicable Human can instead be forced to play the role of a Disinvited Harasser or be otherwise banned. It doesn’t need to be a huge public thing that divides a community. A game runner can simply tell him not to return because there are valid concerns. Whether the disinvitation will be temporary or permanent may depend on the circumstances.

What You Can Do About It

As a New Player:

1. Be aware that larping can enable both the best and the worst in people. Try not to confuse the character with the real-life individual. Anyone can pretend to be a paladin to gain your trust. Even in out-of-game circumstances before and after events you are only seeing a small part of who someone is.

2. There is safety in numbers. Proceed very cautiously about being alone with anyone right away. Intense experiences alone can be bonding. Get to know the game and the people in more public and well lit areas of the site until you comfortably know your way around and have made some connections.

As a Victim:

1. Stay safe. Don’t be alone again with someone you feel has acted like a Despicable Human. You don’t even need to talk to him. Yes, sometimes this means leaving a game environment, hopefully only temporarily.

2. Tell someone. Tell a trusted friend whether it is another larper or not. Hopefully your game has someone you can bring private concerns to without fear of a negative reprisal. Don’t keep it all in, it wasn’t your fault and you should not feel shame from someone else’s actions hurting you emotionally or otherwise. You are not alone.

3. Consider reporting it officially through procedures that exist at your game and/or to local authorities if he committed a crime. You may want to talk it through and document it with a supportive friend or therapist. While you do not have to do this, and outcomes do vary, it may be a critical step towards getting a Despicable Human out of the game you love for your protection and that of others.

As a Bystander:

1. Get to know the harassment policies of the games you play. If they seem weak or ineffective, talk to whoever is running the game about having them modified. Think through what you might do and what options you might need if you were assaulted in any way at a game and help make sure that the games you play will be supportive. Be prepared to help a victim document and report a problem to staff or local authorities if necessary, and let others know you are willing to do so.

2. If you see something, say something. If you see a Dashing Hero or suspected Despicable Human interacting a lot with a person who might be vulnerable, regardless of age, check in with the potential victim and make sure they were comfortable with the interactions. Verify that they are aware of any procedures to take if it was or becomes uncomfortable or threatening. If you have a bad feeling that the potential victim is at risk yet already in the sway of the Dashing Hero, consider bringing the potential risk to the attention of a staff member.

As a Game Owner and/or Runner:

1. Statistically you will serve your game best by believing allegations have merit. The odds of several players coming forward and reporting a charismatic and well-liked person falsely are low. They simply want to play the game and feel/be safe. It takes a lot of courage to say anything, even anonymously, so if you run a game and get reports of distressing behavior, please don’t press for a lot of specific details or tell them they have to file a police report or you won’t do anything. Consider having a designated ombudsperson separate from your directors and gms who can be discreetly contacted for an investigation during or outside of an event.

2. Take action. Enforce your policies firmly. This isn’t a courtroom, this is friends looking out for each other and your business should be erring on the side of safety for all. We don’t want Despicable Humans preying on others at any games, no matter how much they may have contributed positively. If you have Disinvited Harassers, point them at educational resources or recommend appropriate counseling. Consider sharing a list of disinvited individuals with other games if they request it.

 

“I believe you. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. You are not alone.”

Those words have been spoken and typed a lot lately.

Let’s do what we can to proactively change things.

 

 

Gifts that keep on giving

I was looking for an audio cable so I could plug my old mp3 player into a speaker instead of using ear buds. It seemed like a good idea to go ahead and sort through ye olde drawer of electronic device cables and clean it out. I didn’t find an appropriate cable, yet I had to take a break for emotional reasons.

It isn’t unusual to put things out of sight that bother us. Attics and basements, closets, drawers, and spaces under countless beds are full of things like that. They often get too full before we clear them.

It was a simple thing. A small plastic toy horse. When folks ask me what I want for Christmas I say “A Pony!” Sadly, I have never received a real, live pony. Pony themed items are also appreciated. The very thoughtful yet toxic, abusive parents of an ex of mine gave me said toy horse one year, as well as other quality gifts that were genuinely nice and seemed to indicate affection. They broke up with him/us not long after with a number of horrid reasons why I was a terrible person. We were together for years beyond that point, as they had been similarly cruel to him at other points in his life. So the pretty little horse sat in view for a little while, eventually put in the drawer because I liked the figurine yet couldn’t bear it as a visual reminder of the mistreatment. Several years later, it is still a pretty horse. It is not the horse’s fault that it needs to go away, so I won’t be destroying it. I’ll likely donate it somewhere and hope that another person appreciates it and never associates it with pain.